Crapcans Invade Bonneville
By
Mike Meier and Steve Ward.
Bonneville,
where land speed records are made. Where the fastest machines on Earth show the
rest
of us what can be done with a motor or two and any number of wheels.
Bonneville,
historic, sacred, and on the bucket list for 78.6 % of all males in the western
world
and
0.003% of females, (totally made up numbers) the remaining 21.4% of males are
not “real
men”
and the remaining females, well, not racing, unfortunately.
And
then there was Bonneville in 2012, tainted by the participation of two
crapcans, one ChumpCar and one LeMons.
On
September 13 one of the ugliest crapcans to ever run a race rolled onto the
sacred salt of
Bonneville.
A field-find and former circle track racer, it had run only one race in the
Chump series and was held in disdain by all who looked upon her. It was
actually five different cars poorly welded together to make one, and was at
least that many different colors, with liberal chassis lightening achieved by
years of rust. But under the wrinkled skin lay a purpose built 2085 cc
turbocharged engine. True, it was built to “Chump Spec”, with an intake
manifold made out of square tube, water injection made from a garden mister,
and a Chinese Ebay turbo. Despite the homemade parts, it was a beast. Regardless
of its inglorious racing pedigree, the car, dubbed Karmen Electra, was here to
make history as "The World's Fastest Chump"!
At
4 AM Utah time Team Tinyvette arrived with its 1969 field-find Compuware
Corvette-themed Opel GT, further soiling the salt. Powered by a lightly warmed
Opel motor that had received dual Weber side-drafts just the day before, it was
also here to make history as "The World's Fastest LeMon"!
Whether
coincidence or serendipity, two of the slower cars from the only two crapcan
race series in North America showing up for the same event either marks the
breaking out of crapcan racing
or
the direction motor sports in general is taking. But that’s trivia for ESPN or
SpeedTV to jaw
on
about. The Ghia had just completed a 118.2 mph run and the Tinyvette, on its
first run, turned in a 117.7. This was going to be a battle of Chump versus
LeMons.
With
Saturday's runs in the bag Sunday would settle things once and for all. Chump
or LeMons?
Karmen
left the line sputtering and coughing after idling a bit too long, then caught
its stride and took off, but not before two track stewards ran about 40 feet
down track to pick up whatever part had just fallen off the car. Apparently it
was not essential. Additional chassis lightening, perhaps.
A
few minutes later the Tinyvette takes off, wheels spinning a bit too eagerly,
but otherwise a
good
start. 6000 rpm, shift. 6000 rpm, shift. 6000 again and the Tinyvette was in
4th at about the
half
mile mark. Hold that throttle down and let her just fly. Watch the gauges. All
good. A/F at
12.9/13.0
and steady. Good. Turn off the fan to gain another 1/4 hp. Futile. Two miles.
Hold it
from
“2-to-Q” for the speed trap, then lift and slow for the turn-around that is a
generous 3/4
miles
ahead. The Tinyvette turned in a 117.2 mph. Everyone was slower on Sunday, and
while
that
result was not bad, it was not winning.
Back
in line and comparing notes, a critical discovery was made. Karmen Electra was
running in
the
130 MPH Club event, a standing 1 mile attempt to reach 130 mph. The Tinyvette
was in the
150
MPH Club event, a standing 2 mile attempt to reach 150 mph. Karmen was doing in
1 mile
what
the Tinyvette was trying to do in 2. The competition was over. Chump had won.
The
day was not done, however. Both teams had more runs ahead of them and Karmen
Electra
had
a real chance of getting into the 130 MPH Club. The Tinyvette had no chance of
getting into
the
150 MPH Club. It was running in that event because two miles sounded like more
fun than
one
and with LeMons-mandated safety it easily passed tech for that event. Chump
cars would undoubtedly be able to qualify for the 150 mph event. Most street
cars would qualify for the 130
mph
event.
With
the Chump crew trying to find the tune, Karmen Electra eventually ran 122.2
before using up its allotted 6 runs. Every attempt had some minor glitch that
kept the goal of 130 mph just out of reach. Spinning tires too much, bogging
the engine at the start, too rich, then too lean. Getting to 130 mph in one
mile in a street car or crapcan is more difficult than it sounds, plus at
Bonneville one has the altitude and the rolling resistance of the salt to deal
with.
The
Tinyvette went on to blow up in its third run. The pretty little thing started
losing power at
about
the 1 mile mark and finished with a 76.8 mph run. Smoking a bit and sputtering
on acceleration it made it back to the staging area and then back to its pits.
The engine was puffing smoke out the valve cover and when trying to drive the
car onto the trailer it shot the dip stick out. The electrode on the spark plug
was gone, melted, and Team Tinyvette was pretty sure they were going home with
a porous piston.
Karmen
Electra, representing ChumpCar World Series, had won this one, but more
importantly they went home with the honor of being the “World’s Forever First
and Currently Fastest Chump” and having beat LeMons in this impromptu inaugural
crapcan competition. Team Tinyvette, representing the 24 Hours of LeMons, was
going home knowing it was the “World’s Forever First and Currently Fastest
LeMon”, and consoles itself with the knowledge that its title sounds better
than Chump’s.
"The
World of Speed" at Bonneville is a grand grassroots event. It's more laid
back than August’s "Speed Week" and it includes the novelty events
that open up the salt to regular folk and irregular crapcans. It does have a
very serious land speed record section, however, and if you have never heard
the Doppler shift of a 400 mph car streaking by, you need to. Your life is not
complete.
Most
of all, some of the friendliest and most helpful people in the world (Team
Tinyvette had to
borrow
arm restraints and a spark plug.) bring the world’s most impressive home built
toys to see
if
they can get their car into the history books, or at least a few
autobiographies. Chump and
LeMons
cars, with minor modifications, would pass tech for the 130 MPH Club event and
add a
window net
or arm restraints and the 150 MPH Club opportunity could be yours. To learn
about The World of Speed go to http://www.saltflats.com/.
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